Christmas 1988

I suppose you could say it all began 26 years ago.

It was 1988. Ronald Reagan Was the President of the United States, Michael Jackson was still black, and "A Very Brady Christmas" topped the ratings for CBS.

Oh, and I guess that little cartoon called, "The Real Ghostbusters" was pretty popular too.

For what seemed like months, and it very well could have been, I had been begging for my parents to buy me some Ghostbusters toys.

 I needed them more than I would ever need an education, more than I would ever need a liver to process insane amounts of alcohol consumed in High School, and more than I would ever need lungs to breathe.

I NEEDED GHOSTBUSTERS TOYS.

No matter how hard I begged, the answer was always the same. "Santa is going to bring you some."

Santa? How in the world can I possibly just sit here and wait for Santa to bring me some Ghostbusters?

In my 3 year old brain, I simply could not process the fact that I wasn't able to play with Egon, Ray, Peter, and Winston figures because I had to just sit back like a dork and wait for some stranger to drop in my house while I slept and bring me some.

Oh no, the addiction was far worse than anybody could have predicted, even if I had nothing of my own yet.

One night, as we roamed the aisles of our small town Wal-Mart, I begged again. I received the usual response. This is where my memory gets just a little fuzzy. Something happened. I don't know how I convinced them, but it finally worked. I wish I had some kind of video play back, because whatever strategy I used, it would have come in handy much later in life.

My parents caved in. It worked.

I left Wal-Mart with my very first Ghostbusters toy. A Fright Features Egon Spengler.

I was now ready to sit back and wait for the fat  man himself to shimmy his ass down the chimney and bring me more of these.

We spent that Christmas at my Grandma's house in the backwoods, hillbilly town of Nebraska City, NE. I don't remember exactly how long we were there, but I remember the house that shit lived in at the time.

There was this big room, which in all honesty probably wasn't very big at all, but to a 3 year old, it was giant. In one corner there was a Christmas tree with some presents, and in another there was a tv. The middle of the room had a couch and chair, while the other side of the room had a table and chairs, maybe some other crap too!

The few days (at least what I think were a few days) leading up to Christmas were hell. Stuck in small town, middle of nowhere, Nebraska, and wondering if Santa was going to be able to find me and bring those Ghostbusters toys that my parents had promised he would bring for months was just killing me inside.

I was ready to get this shit underway.

Christmas morning finally did come. Like most of my mornings later in life, I woke up and took a shit. Even at the age of 3 I had priorities. Nowadays the first things I do are check Facebook and light up a smoke. Then I think about taking a dump. But hey, at least it's still part of my morning routine.

As I took the browns to the Super Bowl, my dad stood in the doorway and said that we should go see what Santa Claus brought. I wiped and went.

My haul that year was greater than almost any other year that would come after it. I got a talking Pee-Wee doll, several Pee-Wee's Playhouse toys, and yes, plenty of Ghostbusters.

Fright Features Ray Stantz, Terror Trash, and Granny Gross are the ones who come to mind right away. I'm sure there were a few others too.

It was the first Christmas that I remember, maybe that's why I hold it in such high regard. It was also the first one I ever had involving Ghostbusters. There were other years that involved it too, and I'm pretty sure I'll talk about those as well, but nothing beats the first one.

I have no idea where that house is located, nor have I been there in over 25 years, but I'll always remember the "big" room in little old Nebraska City, the room where Santa left me those Ghostbusters toys.

EGB Plasma Blaster

In the late 90's, it was kind of the "in" thing to try and keep 80's cartoon franchises alive and well.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles suddenly became Ninja Turtles, The Next Mutation, which added a 5th turtle, a female named Venus. Needless to say, this live action nightmare failed after only one season, and Venus was never heard from again.

Ghostbusters wasn't ignored either.

In the late 90's, talk of Ghostbusters 3 was all the rage. Wait, it still is. I guess some thing don't change. Either way, talk of a third movie was alive and well in 1997. Rumored stars who would make up a new team of Ghostbusters included Chris Farley and Will Smith.

While rumors of a third movie swirled around the fledgling World Wide Web, Ghostbusters fans old and new were treated to a cartoon series that served as a sequel to our much beloved Real Ghostbusters.

Egon Spengler led the pack with a new team of Ghostbusters, his college students. Kylie, Eduardo, Roland, and Garret. Janine returned to serve as the secretary, and we even got an older, really depressing version, of Slimer.

Naturally, with a new Saturday morning cartoon hitting the airwaves, we just had to get a new set of toys, right?

Among the figures and role play toys, there was the Plasma Blaster! A much upgraded version of the neutrona wand. Ghostbusting in the 90's, I guess.

Before we delve into the Plasma Blaster, I think we should pay homage to this little shit on the box. 

If you'll recall, most of the children on the boxes for the Real Ghostbusters toys were very clean cut, coming across as looking like Timmy from Lassie. 

That was so 80's.

The 90's, the late 90's in particular saw society move into a much more extreme, hardcore, edgy lifestyle. Jerry Springer was giving America daily brawls featuring cross dressers and strippers with hoo hoo's the size of beach balls. Stone Cold Steve Austin was the foul mouthed WWF Champion. Playstation and SURGE soda were a much better couple than Ross and Rachael.

I think you get it.

Look at little Mister Attitude on the box. Dressed all in black, hat on backwards, ready to bust some ghosts, flip off a cop, and explore the world of internet porn.

Okay, maybe that was just me, I don't know.

I think the packaging definitely suits the time period and the Extreme theme of the cartoon, as we of course know, nothing said extreme in the 90's like a backwards hat. You hippie.

Oh, this toy.

The Plasma Blaster requires about 99 different batteries to operate. And they aren't the kind that tend to be laying around the house either. Nope. We're talking LR44's, C's, a Mazda MX3 battery, a small generator, and something big enough to electrocute a horse.

While we go through this review battery free, just mesmerize yourself with the complexity of this toy.

Oh, where to begin.

Jesus H. Christ, they made this one a little complicated, didn't they?

Just looking at this thing makes me feel like my 93 year old grandpa trying to figure out how to stick a tape into the VCR.

No, really, he got it like 20 years ago and I still don't think he knows how to use it.

The Plasma Blaster is equipped with several features that make anything from the RGB series look insufficient.

There are easily more lights and sounds available on this thing than any pre-2001 Cell Phone could possibly offer.

First, we have a nifty little radar that allows us to scope out a spook and fire a missile via the touch of the button in the middle. I like to think of it as the button you shouldn't touch for any reason, but totally touch in a panic.

You can just imagine your first day on the job, being handed your own Plasma Blaster, and Egon saying to you, "See that button? Don't ever touch it, under any circumstances."

But you do anyways.

The missile that shoots out even lights up.

How does one fire the Plasma Blaster?

Well, glad you asked.

There is a little red button on the handle that, when pushed, supplies us with lights and sounds. Of course, you can't just pretend that there is a proton stream coming out of the end. 

Trendmasters one upped Kenner on this one.

While Kenner just gave up long pieces of foam, Trendmasters gave us a giant, yellow, plastic dildo to clip on to the end on the gun.

If all else fails, and you cannot find any of the 97 thousand batteries to power this little toy, take a selfie and try to make a bad ass face. Cigarette optional.

God, my bad ass face makes it look like I REALLY have to poop.

Is the Plasma Blaster a terrible toy?

Not by any means. However, much like the rest of the EGB line, I think they lack the overall simplicity and style that the RGB toys had. I don't think they changed for the worse, but I do think it was something that the 90's, and Ghostbusters fans, weren't quite ready to accept.

In recent years, EGB has found a following among a handful of original fans, but most purists refuse to give it the time of day.

Myself? I'm glad there was a EGB. I liked it. It wasn't what it could have been, and was very different from what I knew and loved growing up, but some kind of Ghostbusters is better than no Ghostbusters.

Plus, without EGB, we would have never gotten the Back in the Saddle episodes, which remain some of my favorites to this very day.

If you'd like to see this thing actually light up, check out the video, which was not made by me, but some guy who sounds like Crocodile Dundee, who makes a weird farting noise as the beginning. It's a terrible video, just so you know.